Ask A Comic Book Character

Dear Pam Isley,

I have a crazy friend who says that eating meat is wrong. She says that animals are our friends, and that killing them is cruel and immoral. She says we should eat plants because it is much healthier. I'm not sure what to think. What should I do?

R. Wiggim, Springfield



My Dear Mr. Wiggim,

Let me assure you, you have come to the right person to help you in your dilemma.

First of all, in my professional opinion as a field botanist and ecologist, your friend is technically termed as a "nutjob." She has been horribly misguided by the propaganda of Anti-Floran Extremists. These Carne-Terrorists are concerned less with the preservation of life, and more with controlling the thoughts and lives of others to justify their own agenda. While this is an admirable goal, they simply "have it all wrong."

Animals your friends? Tell them to repeat that mantra while a domestic dog chews off their arm, or while receiving numerous shots from the rabid Bat that bit them. Friend, indeed! Plants are also living beings, and, by that line of logic, it is just as cruel and immoral to kill them. I won't quote the pseudoscience of "The Secret Life of Plants" by Tompkins and Bird. After all, I am a scientist. I would rather direct you toward the work of Jagdish Chandra Bose. Through the use of electromagnetic waves, he has shown that plants do respond to painful stimuli, very much in the same way we do. They just don't have a need for a primitive central nervous system to do so.

Now, she postulates that eating plants is "healthier." Healthier than what, chewing on lead paint? Perhaps. My dear boy, as much as it pains me to say, we, as humans, are omnivores. We brutally consume plants as well as meat. Our bodies are designed to digest both equally well. However, you will notice the slender weakness of the Self-Rightious Plant Eaters. This makes them easier prey for the rest of the omnivores to hunt and eliminate. Another fine example of the observations of Charles Darwin!

So, in conclusion, feel free to have another steak with your side of lamb chops and chicken kiev. I hope I have cleared your conscience.

As for your friend, I hope her hell is a green one.

Sincerely,

Dr. Pamela Isley